Updates...

To those who encouraged me, thank you.

To those who ''took a shot at me'', also thank you. I'm not being sarcastic at all. I'm serious. Thank you. It made me think alot about myself. Maybe you're right about how pathetic and selfish I am. These are not excuses but still, it gives me no right to complain about my life when others are having it worse.

Especially those who are trying to help. I've always said 'How can others help you when you don't help yourself?' I guess I don't practice what I preach. It made me realize that I'm very selfish and because of what I am, I've ticked off/drove away friends. T_T So much for watching Gokusen movie together...haiz...

IGNORING THAT, I'm not doing a ''pity post''. Just thanking people for what they have done for me. I'll take this as a life lesson in a positive way (as best as I can lolz) and do my best to be more aware of the people who care for me. A friend is right: There are people having it worse.

Once again, I thank you.

~Leah

To whoever bothers;

It felt really nice to know that Mira...and keeconk -san cared enough to post a comment ^_^ Thank you for encouraging me. I'm trying my best to fight that voice And I've managed to put her off...for 5 days =.=

It's because I've started working at Pasta de Waraku - a Japanese restaurant ^_^ It's fun but extremely tiring. I'll go into more details when I'm not feeling very sad/pissed off/etc like how I'm feeling right now.

Not that anyone cares, but (oh, I already wrote this down yesterday in my 'journal' but the feeling won't go away so I'm attempting to see if it will if I share with whoever who cares ^_^) you know how irritated a person feels when you mail them but they don't reply?

Okay, once again I may sound desperate but I don't repeatedly mail the person(s). Like for an instance, my friends have been mailing me to let me know that they don't hate me and they still care for me as a friend. I'm extremely thankful for these mails - seriously. After telling them I'm all right, I continue the conversation but they stop.

Oh, by the way, SHE'S back. Because of this slight sadness, she came back with a vengeance and a haunting mocking evil laugh.

She's (even now) telling me that they're only mailing me to get rid of the guilty feeling they have for making me feel this way. They don't really care, etc, etc, etc. Another friend - I wanted to tell about how my work is (because it's so different from my old work - in a good and happy way - so I wanted to share the good news). I also asked about a gathering on monday that was mentioned during a phone conversation but guess what? COMPLETELY BEING IGNORED.

No one replies my mail.

I was concerned about a 'misunderstanding' between two of my friends so I mailed them about a meeting on friday to clear all of their doubts of each other. Since I couldn't make it on friday, I suggested tomorrow. ONE replied and told me that he talked to the other and couldn't make it for tomorrow. So I asked what happened when he talked to the other and asked if they would like to accompany me out on Saturday because there's an event I wanted to go to. Once again, IGNORED.

No reply whatsoever.

I'm not writing this down because I'm angry that they didn't want to go with me. I'm irritated because no one had the decency to even say no. Like for the gathering on monday, if they didn't want me to come, fine. I don't care. I had work anyway. I just wanted to tell them to go ahead and have fun and I can't come along because I have a full day work from 12pm-10pm (which ended up extending to 10.30pm).

And for saturday's event, if they didn't want to follow me, then say bloody so! I'll find someone else to accompany me. If anyone doesn't realize, I just extended an invitation or questioned about an outing. I'm not forcing anyone to bloody follow me because I know that they'll think I'm annoying/desperate and not to mention, with the way I am these past few days (a week plus already), it's sad.

Then SHE says:
"Of course <insert name here> didn't reply to you about Monday! *laughter* They don't want you to come along but they don't want to hurt your itty bitty pathetic feelings so they just don't reply. So they'll just meet on Monday and have fun without you~! *mocking laughter* Even if they reply to you, they'll most probably lie about cancelling the outing so they can go out without you! Anyway, you're stupid and gullible enough to believe them! But if you call anyone of them, you'll find out so they just ignore you! Why waste their money on mails on you?~"

Once again, this - I'm abit irked and depressed - but EITHER WAY: I CAN'T GO. I. HAVE. WORK. ANYWAY.

Then SHE replies:
"Whatever. For Saturday, same thing. For the others, when you're talking to them halfway, they got bored with you. After all, those mails were just to shut you up. They're never real. They have a guilty feeling they just want to get rid of. After all, if you're depressed and crying your pathetic fat self out and you decide to commit suicide, then they'll have your death over their heads (even though they might just forget you after - what? - a month?). So they're just mailing you just to ''comfort'' you."

I told her to stuff it because my friends aren't like that. But my mind just can't think of any other reason why they stopped replying to me. I know they're busy and they have their own lives but...Okay, if you don't reply in a few hours, whatever. You're busy. In a day, You're busy the whole day. But even after a couple of days and no reply. So obvious, isn't it? I'm trying to pacify my hurt heart by telling it that my friends aren't like this but it really hurts when my heart replies back crying to me

"If they didn't want to be friends and want to cancel the ties, then just say so. I'm done caring. I love them because they're my friends - no matter how I treat them. But if they treat me like some pathetic stray animal they found on the street, my feelings are wasted, aren't they? Comforts that come just to pacify my depressed soul should not be just like food given to the strays to pacify their hunger for that day."

I don't know what to do anymore. After all I've done...I know that I'm not the best person to be friends with. But I'm seriously trying my best to get better - slowly, day by day. You can't expect me to change straightaway in a day especially when this problem/fault is emotional and mental. Ha. Ha. I'm crying now. I haven't cried physically for 5 days already - only within my heart.

No use saying out anyway, right? 'Cause those who read this must think that I'm just saying all this just to gain pity points. Ha. Ha. Think what you will. My journal anyway.

Anyway, I did manage to shut her in but I can't lock her. How I managed to shut her in - for those who are curious to know - is by working. With work, I managed to forget about everything and focus on the task on hand. But even during work, there are times when I'm not busy and my mind drifts...and I think about everything...and my heart hurts and it cries again. But since I'm in the service line, I have to put on a smile and face my customers, pushing the door against her once more.

Soon, I feel...She will have enough strength to break the door completely that I can never rebuild another one to lock her in anymore. I fear when that day arrives. I'm trying my best to gain the strength to push the door and lock it.

Emotional problems are always better solved with encouragement and love from friends and family (besides your own power) right? How do I solve them when my family doesn't really know about this and my friends ignore me? My own power is not enough. It's never enough. I hardly think it'll be ever enough.

I don't know what to do anymore. Anyone wanna tell me what to do, besides trying to fight her myself? I can - and am trying to do so - but it's not enough.

I'm so emo it actually sickens me
~Leah

Everything and everyone has been clouding my mind. To the point that JE can't help me to ignore my problems. Listening to JE, watching JE videos has usually been my outlet to forgetting my problems but WHY DOESN'T IT WORK NOW?!

My heart feels clenched;
The guilty feelings prickly at the edges;
The insecureness overflowing;
The tears pouring down my cheeks.

She - my inner self - laughs at me,
Her laughter haunting and creepy,
Residing echoes throughout my head.

"They want to cut ties with you;
They hate you - you're a freak;
Paranoid, insecure and oh-so-pathetic.
They can't stand having an overbearing friend."

...Shut up...

"No one wants to be friends with you;
You're sickening,
Trying your best to fit in - to be included.
No matter how much you try,
You'll always look like you're trying too hard."

...Shut up!

"Without you, it's much more fun.
Without you, everything can go on without a hitch.
If you weren't talking to her on the phone,
Do you actually think you'll be included in the conversation?"

Shut up!

"She's just being nice - they all are.
They might be planning to go out without you.
After all, YOU. ARE. JUST. A. BOTHER.
AN. ANNOYANCE."

SHUT UP!

Mocking laughter. "Aren't you lucky?
To have friends that still stick with you?
The very you that can drive them away."
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

My heart pulses as I tried to push her out.
It's not true;
My friends aren't like that.
No matter how much they tease me ---

"That's right, they tease you.
It's their indirect way of telling what's wrong with you.
Goodness, can't you take a hint?"

NO! IT'S NOT TRUE!

"Sooner or later,
They'll all blog against you -
Just like they did with him."

GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!

"No matter what you do,
I won't be going anywhere.
I'll always be in you -
That's because I'm you."

"I'm the you that knows the truth.
You're too weak to overcome me.
No matter how strong you try to act,
You're weak and pathetic."

I cry, knowing it's true.
No matter how hard I try,
She always come back to me.
Her voice loud and clear,
Mocking and sneering.

Well, I've just received a call from my psychologist aunt and I really hope the advice she gives me work. I can never be sure of myself though, but I...I really want to stop the way I am now. The trauma from a past arguement which broke all friendship ties was what brought this on - was what brough this insecurity on - apparently.

Funny, how someone can rule your life even after they're gone. I hope she's happy with the way I am now.

To Mira, Irsyad, DK and Izyani,
I'm sorry for shocking you/freaking you out. Yesterday's phone call didn't help that much because that voice said (after we put down the call) "If you weren't around, they wouldn't include you in the conversation. Their topics also were lost on you so what's the pont? When you wanted to speak, you couldn't. You're paying money just to hear them talk and have fun about things completely lost on you. How's that? There's no need for you to have friends. *mocking laughter*"

This was what seriously spoke up in my mind. I'm trying my best to push them away but I did feel the difference from how it is and how it was. I hope you forgive for these thoughts. It might just be that voice. I hope you forgive me for not trusting you; for not thinking better of you guys. I know that you would never be that way. If that's the case, you guys wouldn't even bother being my friend.

Once again, if this - me being completely paranoid, insecure, etc - is too much for you to take, just let me know. I completely understand if you want nothing to do with this. I promise I won't go around killing myself because of this *haha*

My newfound resolution - placed at the top for highest priority - is to destroy this voice; to control it; and to overcome it. I can only ask for your help in encouraging me. Once again, if you think this is too much, just let me know. I won't force =) Better yet, we can meet up for coffee and completely settle this.

My aunt says that no amount of therapy can work this out so I have to do this myself.

...But what can I do?

That's the question and that's what I'm going to figure out.

Sorry to bother everyone with my post that is completely irrelevant in your lives but I had to get it out before I crack and jump off a building or something =)

Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Please leave a comment on your insight of this episode of mine.
Be it good or bad, I'll learn to take it =)

~Leah

*waves numbly and weakly* Hi people, sorry for not updating on my life - well, it's not like I have much people that look forward >_<

How 'interestingly' enough that when I update, it's emo...Guess I'm an emo at heart...

( Read more... )
I'm a horrible human being.
~Leah

Hey people! (To those who actually read my journal >.<)

Just updating on my life to whoever who wants to know >.< Lolz

( ...lead on to my life... )
I'll update on another day of my weird life. And hopefully finish my fic.

Genki dana! Ja ne!
Leah-chan

 

Here’s Chapter 3! Douzo!~

Summary: Kamenashi Kazuya – A typical teenager. He has very good friends; a crush who treats him as an ATM machine; a stalker. Very typical, isn’t he? But what is this about him dying in a month? Can he stop fate? Or will he just accept it, enjoying every moment until his last?

 

Adapted from: Kamisama no Iu Toori (As the Death God Dictates) – Manga

 

Manga Author: Mimori Ao

Manga Artist: Mimori Ao

 

Ratings: PG-13

Pairings: Kamenashi Kazuya x Akanishi Jin

              Yamashita Tomohisa x Kamenashi Kazuya

              Yamashita Tomohisa x Nishikido Ryo

 

Disclaimer: As you can see, the plot of the story is not mine but belongs to a wonderful author/artist, Mimori Ao. And the characters also don’t belong to me but to Johnny Kitagawa. I did make some changes since I can’t copy word for word but I hope you like how I implanted the two ideas together.

 

Dedication: This fic is dedicated to sadistic_brat  and those who commented on my other chapters before ^_^

 

Posted to: akame_  and jent_fanfics 

 

For those who missed chapter ONE, please go here: Shinigami's Love (Chapter 1)

                                 chapter TWO, please go here: Shinigami's Love (Chapter 2)

 

(  [...SMUGNESS...]  )